Yes, it is more important than making sure your wallet matches your purse; much more important than remembering to feed the cat in the morning; and infinitely more important being a role model for your growing child – you know the next overproduced hack from American Idol is going to fill that position.
Just how important is this golden rule? Understanding this important piece of knowledge and putting it to work in your daily life will bring you these things:
- A healthier body, spirit, and mind
- A more welcoming home for your friends and family
- The respect and admiration of your children
- and, most important – a better relationship (and sex life) with your husband – guaranteed!
What’s that you’re saying? Stop teasing me, and just give me this knowledge right now! Ok ladies, you asked for it.
THE COURTESY FLUSH
Undoubtedly these words are foreign to you ladies, so here’s the DaddybyDefault definition:
A courtesy flush is the act of flushing the toilet the moment your dookie hits the water. You don’t wait until you’re done, or until the toilet is filled with paper. You flush right away – and with practice, you can even get it so the mud never hits the porcelain – it just slides right down the pipe, never to be seen again.
I can sense the look of incredulity coming over your face, and if you compose yourself for just a moment, I will explain how practicing this simple act of kindness will get you to the four items I promised above.
1. The Courtsey Flush Leads to a Healthier Lifestyle
The stink that accumulates in the bathroom – you know the one that makes the mirror fog and the paint peel off the wall – is a result of our stuff staying in the toilet too long. By flushing as soon as the brown turtle hits water you alleviate the stink that accompanies our duty (double entendre there – did you catch it?) to relieve ourselves.
You already know this, ladies. And don’t even try to play it off like you’re not aware. It’s the reason you don’t dump at work. You’re afraid a coworker is going to walk into the bathroom just as you are walking out and KNOW that it was you who dropped the bomb. Then the whole office will call you stinky butt behind your back and you’ll go from taking the boss’s dictation to eating lunch in the break room with smelly Samantha, the nerdy girl who brings left over tuna-fish for lunch each day, and spends half her existence trying to get cat hair off her cashmere sweater with one of those sticky lint roller things.
If you’ve read my article about practicing my 3 simple life rules, you know that it is hazardous to skip a poo, and can have significant health consequences after time. Ask any doctor, he or she will confirm that. Practicing the courtesy flush allows you to take that dump at work, and relieving yourself often will bring you a healthier body. Not having to drive home with clenched butt cheeks will lift your spirits and free your mind. Try it – you’ll like it.
2. The Courtesy Flush Leads to a More Welcoming Home
This one is just obvious – and you don’t have to be a master of logic to appreciate it. The quicker you flush the sooner that smell dissipates. As we enter the holiday season, the courtesy flush becomes even more important, especially if you plan to entertain. You’re not fooling anyone with the Yankee Candle on the toilet tank. That red glow isn’t ambiance – we all know it’s just to mask the smell of the turd you left earlier that morning.
Don’t get caught with a stinky loo – courtesy flush!
3. Respect and Admiration of Your Children
Okay, this one is a bit of a stretch. Sorry.
4. A Better Relationship (and sex life) with Your Husband
This builds on number 2 (there’s that double entendre again). The courtesy flush WILL bring you and your husband closer together romantically for several reasons.
The first, and most obvious, is that you wont be coming to bed with stink stained pajamas – remnants of an all-out duel you lost with the porcelain god. You might not realize this (and he’ll probably never tell you) but it skeeves us out to know that you stick around in the bathroom to take off your makeup and brush your teeth AFTER you take a dump. It is a known fact that flushing the toilet with poop build-up spreads poop particulate into the air. Don’t believe me? Here is a PhD candidate’s very scientific thesis on the subject. Here is an article from the Huffington post – that bastion of journalistic integrity. That’s right, you’re brushing your teeth with shit. Enjoy!
However, when he hears that flush only moments after you entered the bathroom he’ll know that you are a new convert to the ways of bathroom courtesy. He will be so excited when you finally come to bed an hour later you will have mind-blowing, earth shattering, knock the headboards into the wall (but still don’t wake up the kids) kind of sex.
Your New Motto: Rush to Flush
Say it to yourself in the mirror when you wake up in the morning, and when you’re putting on your makeup on your commute to work. (Sidebar: how is talking on a cell phone while driving illegal in most states, while it remains completely legal to do an entire makeup makeover in your rear view mirror which has been tilted so as to make it impossible to actually see out your rear view mirror?)
Rush to Flush – that’s the motto of the Courtesy Flush, and a mantra we can all learn to love!